Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
