My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
