I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
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my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize