I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
