So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
