I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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