There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
