Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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