Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I am available for nakedness
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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