I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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