Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
