So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You dont lie about slip and slides
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
