Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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