my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we're making bets on your personal life
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
