i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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