Whod you bang
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
