well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
