i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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