When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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