$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
