i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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