After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
