I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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