Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
