Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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