Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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