he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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