i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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