Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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