Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
