Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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