The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
