I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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