she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
