I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm gonna cum garlic butter