apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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