fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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