don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
