two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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