i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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