You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
