Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
