I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
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