More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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