U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
