I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
