Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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