Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
