"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
