I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
