I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
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I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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