Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
