Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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