I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
