i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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