Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
