I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
