meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.