with your own penis?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.